MY (philosophic) LIFE IN DENMARK: March

Again, mostly diary pieces:). again contains mistakes, but since i do not believe anyone is reading this, i can delay the corrections i guess x)

4.3.
an interesting thought came to my mind. Whenever I like or dislike someone, it’s always about them.
How they behave, what they do, what they say, how they think. Until now i didnt reaalize i dont really focus on my side in this: how does this person make me feel? How do I feel around this person?
 I always judge and evaluate people based on my moral criteria, and dont look at the feeling so much. Which should be reasonable in the end but, actually it is not really like that, when I think about it... 

There are people who I feel really bad around, but i feel guilty about it, since they are nice and polite, but the thing with niceness and politeness is actually not a personality feature. Noone is nice because they have a nice personality. They are nice because they want to be nice. They want others to like them. They want to avoid conflicts. They prefer positive atmosphere. But noone was born nice, or am I wrong?

Now looking back, I really managed to change in this way. I do focus more on the feeling, than on the set criteria, what i should and what i should not. It kinda makes my social buble burst. And it's good. Challenging. But the more different people you meet, the more different parts of yourself you discover.

 My life here be like:

„Ma... can you type your name?“

Seriously, I should have picked an English name of two sillables to make people remember my name and not secretly peeking at my name tag.

5.3.
 We were in Langå school and they didnt let me finish my lego construction. (really, like a child) We went to a couple of classrooms and said hi to kids, introduced ourselves in english and our native language (every time). Exciting for sure.  Yet still, I remained being concidered romanian.

After this we went to teachers home, which was exciting and strange, because... like have you ever been to your teacher's home, meeting her pets and sons? Yep, exactly.

Btw took me three months to learn the pronounciation of Langå.

9.3. +++told me she’s never seen me laughing like last night. Which is kind of a paradox. I used to be very funny and cheerful and didn’t give a shit about others and stuff. Everything was fun and I loved to joke all the time. Now even though i laugh, im much more reserved and bitter. I have a very dry humor now. But it’s still weird and mine, so i guess it’s fine. 

I think one of the reasons behind this is my memory loss. Because I don’t remember much of the stuff that was before my depressed era, so my strongest and most vivid memories are the bad ones. Which is stupid and I’m gonna work on changing that. I dont like to carry a weight on my smile.

12.3.
 Today is a bit too much. I need to redo the whole assignment. +++ lost my key. My czech teacher made me angry. I was quite desperate, but...

I found out that as long as there’s someone you love around you, nothing else matters. And like, hello, i was always the person that went strongly arguing against this! Damn, am i becoming my opposite? xd

14.3.
 I want to remember loving people in spite of social anxiety.

Sometimes it is hard to be social. I mean, you wanna be with people. Kind of. Because you are lonely lonely lonely. But you dont really feel like acting in a socially pleasing way, so... You just prefer staying alone, because you are mentally exhausted anyway. I have a blury memory of why i wrote down this particular sentence. And I feel a need to delete it, because of that. But maybe that's ok. Maybe it's ok to remember good times with someone who now you do not feel good about. Since you can never erase the bad things... why to get rid of the good ones?

17.3.
Traveling alone feels better when you have somebody to say goodbye to and when there’s someone waiting for you to come back.

Sometimes Im too tired to have a personality. I just want to be alone, so no reaction is required. No personality needed. Just a body with a sleeping mind.

Local dryer makes me want to dry my clothes in the oven.

Looking at the lake, I feel happy. Peaceful. Content.

I feel the same when at the graveyard. Like yesterday, in the garden of dead trees, with ravens‘ music in my ears, and company of passed souls all around. They were calm, maybe because it was a day. But the air was filled with energy of these souls. I like to breathe them in, feel them and in respect coexist in this moment, together in harmony.

There are parts of Viborg that feel familiar. Like Asmild church. The air is filled with energy. Energy i am a part of. That surrounds me, but doesnt devour me. I try to absorb it, but it feels as if we were meant to be like this: together, stuck to each other, nothing between us, but still coexisting as separate entities.

18.3.

 Danish food usually smells really good, looks really weird and tastes something in between.

30.3. 

a conversation noted:

me: „+++, are you crazy?“

+++: „... I’M A DOLPHIN!“

Thought: get to know as many people as possible, to get to know them better and see how people are and can be, in order to know, what to expect and what all is possible.

30.3. 

+++’s monologue while buying a chicken: „I want to eat this... but not now... but why not... wait, I’m thinking!“

31.3.
Me, the princess for a day. 

I went alone for a loooong walk through forests behind the southern lake. It was like a real life fairy tale. A deer  basically showed me a way through the forest and then disappeared behind a blooming tree. The only blooming tree around.