i get asked quite often [ unloved poetry by amber drake ]

 

I get asked quite often

how I am

how do I feel;

and i answer quite often

"im fine, thanks"

"im good"

"nothing usual"

 

but its not true

 

i wonder

how relieving it would be

to say

everything

that i really

feel

 

i feel bad; sad; tired;

for no particular reason

it's like a heavy cloud

that's always been there

ever since i can remember

so i never thought

this wasnt normal

i always thought

that it is my fault

that i feel bad

that i am bad

 

i wonder how it is

to go to sleep in the evening

and fall asleep within and hour

or thirty minutes

without my brain working on its maximums

 

constant thinking

about past

- what i could have done better

- what i should not have done

- what now the others must think

- what it i just lost because of my stupid behaviour;

that i should just never ever talk to people again

or even see them

meet them

or better :

dont let them see me;

about future

- what will probably happen

- what can go wrong

- what stupid thing will i do again

and i just keep on hating on myself in advance;

 

 

 

 

 

 

this is what i have felt

every single day

as far as i can remember

and i worked hard on stopping doing it

maybe too late

realizing

how self destructing it was

i still do it sometimes

but im proud i stopped

though

i still thought it was a normal thing

or just my own fault

nothing else

 

i wonder how it is

to actually feel good with yourself

not hate yourself for every single thing you do wrong

or say

or think;

no matter if what i said or did was wrong or right

i still was able to got myself into thinking

that it was the worst and stupidest thing instead;

lately

i was thinking why do i keep hating on myself so much

judging myself harder than i ever judged someone else

with or without realizing it

i still kept doing it

and i still do;

one would say

that when i realize i critisize myself too much

it gets better

but a complete opposite happens

then i

argue with myself

as if i was two different people

two different minds

but the bad one always wins

makes me feel less than nothing

deserving nothing

only to dissappear

to die

not to bother anyone

anymore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

there were times

when i actually

wanted to die

when i actually

was about to kill myself

just to make myself feel better

or just to make this world a better place

without me in it;

i was never able to finish this kind of act

and hopefully will never be able to

but that doest make me feel better either

it makes me feel

even worse

too weak

too stupid

too ugly

oversensitive brat.

the worse is

to look in the mirror

and see my face red

covered with tears

comming from swollen eyes

looking like a biggest idiot

i slap my cheek few times

and try to forget

what just happend

but its always there

in my mind.

never goes away.

 

twenty years with this

well

no wonder

im not a normal person now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i wonder what it is

to be next to a person

and dont feel like a biggest burden of their life;

even though

its my family

my friends

someone who told me milion times

i am not a burden

someone who told me

they loved me

but i couldnt believe it

i still thought

its just them

they are too kind

they see me in the best light only

and even if they dont

they still treat me nicely

because they are kind

but i annoy them

they must feel exhausted of my existence itself

i look stupid

i am stupid

i act stupid

i dont deserve to be next to such good people.

even now

when im out with my friends

i look at them

and wonder

why do they lose their time with me

they are so beutiful outside&inside

and i am the complete opposite.

was that a pity

was that their natural kindness?

shoudnt i just leave, so i dont bother them anymore?

they never ever said or did a thing against me.

they are the best friends in this world

so why the hell

do i still feel this way?

is it ok?

i dont think so.

at least now.

but there were times, when i did.

these times were about 20 years long.

 

in my better times

i worked hard on beating those stupid feelings

cause sometimes i realized

it was nonsense to feel that

so i tried not to feel it

and i thought i did

but i was just predending it - lying to myself

and believeng it

but it was still there.

i just wasnt giving it that much of an attention.

 

 

 

i wonder how it is

defining yourself with something else than

"disgusting".

cuz its basically the first thing

that comes to my mind

when i see

hear

feel

a single trace of myself

of my own existence

 

i keep acting

as if i had self confidence

as if i felt good and cool

but its just a self defence i use against society

i protect myself from others pretty well

but i cant protect myself from my own mind

 

thats why

i am

my worst

enemy

 

making myself stupidly vulnerably

with irrational thoughts;

for example

even a tiniest thing

someone i like/love/care of

does

and it doesnt feel

normal enough

to me

i start to think

that person must hate me

because i did something wrong

or stupid

again

i just wrecked a relationship

made that person angry

we will never see each other again

and that person will hate me till the end of my life

 

wow

this sound so crazy

but i still cant prevent

feeling it

sucks, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sometimes

i dont feel real;

i see things around

as if they were ilusion;

i look at this tree

and it feels less real

than a tv picture

look at my hands

same feeling;

look in front of me

and see a picture in my head

picture of myself

looking in front of me

as if i wasnt real

as if everything was just an illusion;

i thought it was weird

but it did not even came to my mind

that it can be just another sign

of a mental illness.

 

i hate to watch/read things

that make me feel

because it always crashes me like a hammer

feel exactly the same

what the narrator does

all of a sudden

as if it was a slap;

feeling it all

without any idea why

or how to deal with it.

it was the worst

when i was a kid

elementary school

everytime

someone was exemined

got a bad grade

i felt their stress

as if i was examined

or got a bad grade.

i thought

i was just oversensitive.

that it is normal to cry

when someone no matter who cries

no matter the reason.

but apparently no.

and actually it makes me feel relieved.

this extreme empathy

is not my favourite at all.

 

but maybe its the reason

music affects me so much.

every time listening to a song

i get its mood 200%.

theres nothing to make me more sad, happy, confident, nostalgic...

than a song.

 

 

sure i have good times

 

there are times

when i feel so energetic

eager to do something

to plan

to create

when im so happy

that i laugh as crazy

when everything is super funny

super cute

perfect

when i see everything through pink heart shaped glasses

when im being spontaneous, not afraid

when i feel free to do or say anything

when i feel actually happy

 

but it doesnt last that long

the darkness comes again

makes me regret everything i did and said in my happy moments

and there i go again

 

i wonder how it is

when one doesnt questione ones every act, decision and word

constanly

even if it was the best act, decision or word possible

 

these moods keep changing

from year to year

from day to day

from second to second

its exhausting

and i work hard

to have a control under that

 

there's also something in between

when i feel

happy yet depressed

upyet down

oversensitive yet feelingless

grateful, but sad

too social, but lonely.

when i feel everything

one is capable of feeling.

 

these times are confusing

but now as i know

that i probably have a mental illness

probably know what illness exactly

so its easier

to deal with this

not to blame myself that much

 

 

 

 

 

this is me.

this is me inside of me.

the side of myself

many.. almost all, dont know.

 

maybe

not only those

who experienced me in my worst times

while many of my total panic fits

mental break downs

social phobic moments

...

 

for example,

i wonder

if ill ever be able

to enter a plane

without feeling the most overwhelming fear, panic

and the feeling of unability to breathe

...

 

 

currently

im in my middle mood

determined for a change

i dont need to be super happy

i just want to have my mind under control

stop having this self destructing enemy inside

just wanna be fine

i want those automatic answers

"im fine"

and "im good"

to be true.

and im willing to

fight for it.